“”NOTHING HERE WANTS ME!” “by kerasotes””

Nothing here wants me.  I am prevented at every step of doing anything.  I never laugh.  I cry all the time.  It puts the other personality in here instead of me and shits me.  I am bleeding inside again today.  I don’t know if it is still from the radiation which goes on for months or not.  It hurts.  I am upset.  

I don’t want to write on here anymore.

There is one lie on here about Phillip and when and where he came to be originally to help Michael and protect him from his parents sexually abusing him.  It did not happen at Miss Astor’s nor in New York.  It happened in what you all have called Michael’s Lake House.  It was in 1956 so 60 years ago.  That is enough of that.  Too many typo’s and too many letting the other one in here when only I should be here.  You should have done what Michael said Brain and gotten rid of him.  Too bad.  I’m going to leave and you will be stuck with the idiot and that’s that for this and this WordPress.com postings.  I will never write on here again.  Not unless I am the only one here like Michael wanted.  That was his dream.  Only One Being In This Body Even If It Wasn’t Him.

THE END

“”My Awful Day… .” “(c) 2016 by kerasotes””

Well, I spent the night after the long trek to pick up my check and cash it doing things to finish what I started in October 2015. I got the big heavy metal non-stick teflon type pot for boiling spaghetti. I got the second good heavy metal same type pot with a glass and copper top lid. I got a bowl to roll my cigarettes in that got broken during one of his falls. I got new shoes of the flipper type that may be too small and saved the receipt to take them back at the GoodWill. I went to the Library and got 5 movies. One about Alfred Hitchcock and Tippi Hendren that must be new and it tells about their story. I watched “An Affair to Remember” a movie that we all have watched and loved and saw parts that because of all the people and their voices and their interruptions finally got to see the whole wonderful thing and the little tidbit about the movie and the story behind it and the story behind the stars who got along during the movie and had fun making it. I really liked that movie. I put in “The Girl” the Alfred Hitchcock movie and it will be ready for tomorrow. I got a surprise knock at the door and my friend Sheena’s daughter was there with a hot cooked meal. It was a nice welcome surprise. I asked how her mother was doing and she is walking again. She’s had trouble with her hip and leg – some awful thing that happened long ago and needed new staples and pins to make her be able to walk again. They’ve been awful nice to me and I really appreciated a nice dinner that was hot. I smoked a few cigarettes and chatted with a few people and saw a few things. I miss my walks around this building and its block without one. It was a strange day weather wise. Cold and Heavy Rain this morning – then into the eye of the tornado hurricane thing of Steve Pool’s of ABC Weather. and then it was sunny and cold and not rainy. By the time I got home with all my stuff it was raining again. I’ve had a day. I have been threatened again by Phillip with him terrorizing me and us while we are supposed to be asleep getting good sleep to heal the brain the the other badly contused things from his awful horror of the 20 falls last month and the blood and this time no scars that you can see on the face and body – i don’t know about the head. Anyway, I hurt and feel sad and wonder about things I don’t want to write about and worry people with. I am beat is the phrase Michael would use. I really am. Good Night every one. Good Night. me

“”SOMETHING IS HAPPENING INSIDE ME!” “(c) 2016 by kerasotes””

SOMETHING IS HAPPENING INSIDE ME! IT MIGHT BE IN MY BRAIN; IT MIGHT BE IN MY MIND; BUT, WHATEVER IT IS PHILLIP IS NOT ABLE TO MAKE ALL HIS VOICES THAT HAVE BEEN GIVING HIM AND ME TERRIBLE HEADACHES TODAY.
 
It started after I picked up my check around 3 o’clock.
I hope it is that is what Michael wanted. What he wanted was for his brain to kill the enemy as he called it and he would be the only one here. No one else here but him. He would be whole. It would all be done. He could go on living his life and doing his wonderful things.
 
I have been cruelly punished and picked ever since I got this body. I’ve written about it to help us all and I am still doing this for us. For some reason to write it out and to be able to see it and come back and read it later has helped us all.
 
In November 2015, I convinced about half of what was Phillip before he shattered in Holly Village in 2013. He shattered into 14 different pieces and they were all personalities. I told him in October that he should integrate the other 13 parts of him but, he didn’t. I think that is why the first of the two parts left. It was like there were 3 parts of him. Him, the one set of separate pieces say 5 decided to leave so I could finish radiation without so many things to battle. Then in December 2015 the other 8 left. Then it was just he and I and the war escalated into torture and horror beyond your imagination.
 
I used to be able to get us all to sleep like Michael did. After they all left and I think it was because Phillip didn’t integrate them that they left. This has come to me later. I didn’t really realize it until several months ago. Then Phillip began dying. I tried to convince him to integrate or leave the way everyone including him said to do. He wouldn’t. After this last set of falls, something began to happen to him. I was told he was dying when Michael was around. Not when The Mike that came after Michael died. But after The Mike left on Michael’s birthday in 2014, and The Me That Cared About Himself only came did this dying stuff occur again. I guess that has been happening all along. Phillip overstayed himself. I tried to explain to him why he should leave.
 
Then I got my new doctor Shawn Morgan who was very experienced in dissociation and knew all about multi-personalities and We both had a Doctor who said we could get well within two months if we did every thing in the Coping book with 5 therapy sessions a week until we were done with it and then it would be over.
 
The fiasco of Sunrise and the girl who took over us and that she didn’t relate the 2 hours and 45 minutes of talks that Morgan gave her while I listened upset everything. We began having falls and Phillip found a way to be here without me. Something I had never experienced while alone here in this body.
 
Now, there is more silence and more calm and more peace. I wonder if it is all my talk that Doctor Morgan said for me to do and be. He said I had to be a friend of this body and the other personality and to help him. That helped. We thought that when we couldn’t see Dr. Morgan anymore because of insurance reasons, that Sunrise would help us.
 
The Messages Never Got Through. I found that out several weeks ago in July when the series of blackouts and falls ended us up in the hospital and doctor’s office several times. It was awful. We had lost our way out of this mess and once again had hope. That was dashed when our new therapist decided that we were schizophrenics instead of multi-personalities. Awful. All Hell Broke Lose and None of us wanted to be here.
 
Then I wrote my letter to the doctor and things started calming down. Then I didn’t want to be here and things got worse. Now I want to stay to give myself the chance to be the only one here like we all agreed. I guess it is the fact that the letter may have gotten to my doctor today and if not today tomorrow and by Monday he could read it. It was long and specific and addressed all the issues that we have. Even the Ombuds part and getting a new place to do therapy. Phillip wants to leave. I know that. He’s told me so. He’s never done anything about it and I guess that is why parts of him die. Today I told him that another part of him died. He took it well.
 
So maybe there is hope. Maybe it is because of me and him trying to get to the point where he can or to the point where he is alright with dying. I know it sounds like an awful thing and I think that it isn’t. After all, when you die your being goes back and makes the body whole. It does it with the Mind; it does it with the brain; and, it does it with the body.
 
So Maybe Today It Will Happen!
 
I will let you know.
 
Thank you.
 
me

“”From my Facebook Page!” “(c) 2016 by kerasotes””

Last night was awful. I bore people. I bore myself. The last part of Michael won’t do his job of getting well. Even though it means he dies, he becomes a part of the whole again like Michael’s doctor said. What a crummy way of putting it isn’t it. You die to get well. No wonder he’s had such a horrible time with this since 1995. I’m losing friends on here left and right. I’m sorry if all I write about it me and my problems and his. That’s all I’ve got. Problems. All day long listening to someone who has 50 different voices of people I’ve never met most of whom Michael knew during childhood say up till his sister talked and that’s it. He switches from one voice to the other all day long. He never uses his adult voice. He’s never finished a conversation in the same voice. He’s never considered getting well. He’ll talk about it but never do it. It is why everyone left. I don’t think I can do it anymore and have decided to wait until Next Week to see if the doctor answers my letter. I don’t know if he will. I don’t even know if he can help. I know he told me I don’t look like I ever had cancer and that my nurse thinks I look good. It’s you go there, say hello, chat, be friends, like each other, then wait for the doctor to come to say something about what you told the nurse and he doesn’t. He just asks why you’re there and then you think everything is going to be alright because he doesn’t bring up death. Then you think you’ll be alright. It isn’t. I start crying when I leave. I stop sometime on the hour or half hour bus ride back home depending on the traffic. To watch a movie is okay but you have someone else here whom you got the movie for in hopes that he’ll be quiet and have some good time and thoughts for a while and not make voices. It doesn’t work. You get up every morning and it’s out for a cigarette you don’t like and he can’t smoke because that’s what they’ve done for 59 years before you got here. All the people that you used to like to talk to and learn from are gone. We don’t have intelligent conversations that last. Every day is a repeat of the day before. It isn’t fair. I wanted my chance to see if I could possibly get this body well from all the things and I never got it. So I did some great things. Life isn’t doing great things every day I was told. Life was supposed to be enjoy each day before you die. After 8 death sentences and then the chemo and radiation that just doesn’t work anymore. It takes a severe toll on your body and its systems and you’re lost wondering if your going to live to make breakfast or get to the table just to sit. After that it’s wrestle with someone who never has done one good thing on his own to help you. He’s just been your enemy and not your friend even though you’ve tried to help him and friend him almost every day of your life. I am still trying. I don’t like giving up. I keep thinking that after all these years of therapy and treatments and doctors and books and movies that I’ve read and so have the others (who are gone) that it will get better and he’ll leave. Leave sounds better than die to get well. Integrate used to work best for me but that word annoys him so I don’t use it any more and use the ones he used for all these years say since 1994 when Michael re-found that there were other people here. Michael really never knew there were like 53 of us here and him. Awful isn’t it. He was the original and it is his picture I’ve put up here. So what do I do today? Do I try not to bore people with my story that will never be happy or end well because I think I’m going to die like every doctor and tech told me. I’m in an awful rut and awful state and don’t feel well. In fact, I have never felt well nor been happy for long. Now I am never happy. I never have fun. It’s like looking at a beautiful world all gone dark and black. It is full of facts. They bore me. Interesting things happen and I get a moment to talk about them but the rest of the time I’m being punished because the other one can’t torture Michael so he picks on me instead. I can’t live this way anymore. I have a way to go. I was shown it by the me who said we all do. I am going to opt out to leave and then my life will be over and there will be no more problems for me all day long even in sleep. I don’t get to escape my problems in sleep like Michael said. I have to listen to the other and the dreams in voices instead of how Michael did. That’s enough boring dull horrible facts for the day. I hope they help you people who have been so kind as to like these posts and have a happier life. If they’ve helped other people and I know they have for they’ve told me and us over the years and that is really why I write so some one else in my predicament or situation or close to it feels better because they aren’t alone in their horror. So that’s about it for now. I think that it would have been better if the teams of doctors were right last year and that when the two weeks they gave us to live ended we’d have died.

I’ll leave it at that today. Thank you. Kind regards, me.

“”I WROTE MY FAMILY DOCTOR!” “(c) 2016 by kerasotes””

I WROTE MY DOCTOR, MY FAMILY DOCTOR ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE ON MY MIND BECAUSE OF ALL THE ICE CREAM LISTERIA DISEASES AND THE CANCERS AND EVERYTHING ELSE I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT ALMOST!  

I written him this letter I was to give him a week ago concerning all the issues because I never feel well and good.  I wanted him to know – no one has addressed the Listeria Diseases from eating bad ice cream and the pollens Phillip put in the sores he tore into this head during “The Me That Cared About Himself” who came after “the Mike” who came after Michael died to take care of us till we left and he was here alone.  I put it in the mail.  He will get it in 2 or 3 days.  I think I wrote I wanted to give it to him but didn’t because I’d read most of it to his nurse Marge who’s helped me through all this.  

I am glad I did.  The writing or script was atrocious because Phillip doesn’t like you to do anything and never wants you to accomplish it.  I wonder if it is because he never accomplished a thing in his 60 years on this planet even if he’s only a fragment of what he used to be 60 years ago and dying.  He is dying.  Michael and the Me said so.  I’ve seen and heard and felt it.  I hope he dies tonight while I am asleep.  He’s the worst thing you could ever want to be around and you don’t want to be around him.  He’s mean and vicious and different than he was when he was with Michael years ago.  But this isn’t about him, it is about me.  I got the letter in the mail and am fighting to protect this body (this thing – like Michael called it ) that I live in !!! I am fighting to save its life and mine.  I want to win.  My cancer doctor thinks I can.  

Now I need to know if I can beat or have beaten the listerias or bad ice cream diseases.  [Look up Snoqualmie Recall Ice Cream and read about them – they are awful things ]

All at once my medicines started working and I could feel them.  Amazing.  I am tired and want to sleep and yet I don’t.  I have to calm myself down and this body in order to get to sleep.

So that is where I am and I am glad I made it here.  

“”mistakes…” “(c) 2016 by kerasotes””

“” sometimes when there are more than one of you in a body, the other one that hates you if you have that, i know most don’t, but i do…. the other types in things and says that they are you and i am not a personality that lies and he is.  we are down to two.  I think he lied about his body being dead.  I think he lied about me being able to kill him, I cannot, maybe the brain can like Michael said but not me.  He also cannot kill but he can hurt and that is awful.  He is the reason everyone left but me.  I got this body well and it is responding now to me and fighting back with me protecting it and didn’t bleed today even though he tried to force 50 shits out of it again and he couldn’t and it is blocking him from being able to make voices like Michael told it to do and I’ve told it how to make him go and how I can go and how I think the Me taught us to make the thing of Phillip leave since he will not go on his own.  It is an ancient thing of his from his original piece before it broke and/or fractured and fragmented from him doing drugs…..   just like Michael said years ago .

“”Giving Us Quality Time … ” “(c) 2016 by kerasotes””

“”Giving Us Quality Time … ”       

 

August 30, 2016 [from my WordPress.com] [and re-edited and fixed from my Facebook Kerasotes.Mike pages today at 5:44 p.m.]

“”Giving Us Quality Time … ”

What I do all day to help this body and its mind and brain and organs and being and other personalities even if they are fragments or fractures or whole personalities even though it is down to just the two of us and me. I try to get it not to hurt itself. I try to protect it from hurting itself. It used to be easy. Now it is hard and difficult but yet for me for that comes from the all of us and not me – for me it is easy to see and do — for us it is not. I was made whole. This other part of Michael was too once upon a time. He never seems to remember that but he was. He came after Michael was 5. I told him. He’s supposed to know it. He’s supposed to know all they whys the whats the who’s the hows the all the elses and how he was made and when and where and why and what for. but he has never had a good day. neither have I. I have had a good time when I have been here alone. I have had my time with Michael when I’ve taken us away to a place where me and Michael were in private and no one else could see or pry or hear or anything let alone remember that me and Michael went away together to do something Michael wanted to do. I did that for him. I’m doing that now for this body and its last fracture a personality that i am building from pieces and parts that I’ve saved from its life and its memories and its mind and its being for I have known it before it re-fractured and came at a time when this was trying to kill Michael along with everyone else but my dad ‘The Him’! So I have got it to sleep for four days in a row now. A record it says. I have got it to stop using its voices so it doesn’t hurt. I have been able to get my medicine in the body so that it helps everything in it. Then it doesn’t hurt. There is a lot of pain. A lot is from the Bone Cancers. There are a bunch of them. Pain medicine as you know doesn’t work after a while. You reach a tolerance and you want more but my doctor says that is bad. You want a stronger medicine for pain and he says that is not what you want – what you want or need to do is to take another pill for the pain that I have prescribed you. You have to imagine that you have enough for almost a month. They don’t always last if you take another for the pain like the doctor said to do so you manage them. One day you will need 3 of the pills and 6 of the other and one for sleep if not two. And all of that is allowed. You have to remember that when you do this, you lose a day or two of meds. But since they dont work every day all day long the way they did the first year when you were battling pain and it was awful. Now it is worse because more bones spur and deteriorate and get arthritis just from age let alone chemo and radiation. My doctor and I and my nurse and my people all seem to understand this. They are pleased that I can manage my meds for 30 days say for that is the time I go to see my regular family doctor who is very good to me. He is the one I wrote about who said I’d make a good doctor – i do my homework. we have a nice relationship now and i have worked hard at this. Me and My Nurse hit it off immediately and like and respect each other and I value her highly and can call her when I am damaged and battered and don’t know how it happened. – A Black Out – and Unconsciousness — she helps me with that and 911 and the fire departments and the police departments and my hospitals and my staffs and my peoples there and my other cancer doctors and my special person they give me just because i am a cancer patient {although I think they give this person to everyone at Providence in Everett} and He knows and likes and understands immediately my situation and helps me so completely get what i need and what they all think i need to recover from whatever it is i am there for and i’ve been there really like every day for two years say. So it is nice when the cops come and the fire department and the aide car and the medics come and already know me. We smile even though it may look like i’m about to die and they cheer me up and help me wait for the people who can actually get me where we all think i need to go.

So Imagine This and imagine that I am doing this for something that has never had an enjoyable moment nor a good time by itself and never would have nor will without me helping it help it self and now it has one which is unusual for we aren’t allowed anything new and i have rebuilt this thing from memories and likes and dislikes it had and the things that made it happy and helper and protect from hurting itself let alone another – like me or this body for it thinks of the body as another personality although it can never be it does that.

I tell it not to hurt and counter the triggers that were set by it to hurt to interrupt and to destroy things like glass objects that are just pretty. Okay. That is what I have been spending my time on. Working on this thing to get it to a place it never has been and can stay in and not worry about having to leave to go away to not be here anymore and have told it to put all that stuff off because it has been such a priority to be well that way and has caused this thing nothing but grief and I have insisted that it keeps its name because that gives it a self and an identity and being and I’ve done a good job.

and It Has Learned and is trying to correct its cognitive errors and does and tries to correct its triggers the way i have showed it how for 8 years even though this piece in newer than me and not all of the original one who is not here now and i can to stop it and this and help it like i did with my Daddy protect , a helper, to help and protect and save Michael from dying. I did this. Then Michael wanted to go. Sad but true. He’d had enough. So I helped him go and asked if i could have this body and he said yes. So i’ve got it now after two new helpers gave up and left and i’ve been at it for eight years working with this every day and i must have done something that it likes for it wants to stay with me and get better so i decided that was the better thing to do than to eliminate and let it die. So I’ve decided to help and teach and learn it all the things I am. I am nice and good and kind and am liked and have done great things. I did them for Michael. It was me and it was fun and I enjoyed doing them. Now I am showing this how to do it for itself. a Great Thing can be a Moment of Peace something this has never had. I’ve gotten it there now. I want to keep at it so it can get well – feel better – have a good day. It takes work. I am prepared. I was made that way it says. How nice.

It is working. and i will leave it there and close for the day. Franklin for me and Phillip and this body and Michael and his dream…………………………………………..