My dilemma is this: I don’t want to give up and I am here with a thing that lives in an unreal world of guilt and blame and anger and shame and torture and hell and cruelty. He is my enemy he says although it didn’t start out that way. We could have ruled the world together without voices in our heads and horrors in our hearts. I who have no love no hate was made in 2009 after everybody’s reasons for being there were gone. I was made to get rid of everybody so my daddy “The Him” said. My dilemma is this, I want to go & I want to stay – I want to give up & I don’t want to give up!” I never have given up. After All, I am Still Here. Aren’t I? Yes, is the answer and there is no undoing it.
So what do I do ? What do I do? I read from “The Coping Book” today about “GUILT” !!! It was perfect, it nailed him. I enjoyed reading what daddy “The Him” said to me and made me with and made me with this understanding of all the reasons why these others or personalities or alters or fragments or fractures were here and what they were doing and why and how. And I am tired of explaining it to “The Idiot” I am. Tired of it and tired of him. He operates as a 5 or 6 or 7 year old child and he’s been on this planet for sixty one years. Awful. I never had a childhood. I was born 59 years old in 2009 when it was over a month after Michael the Original turned 59 in March on his birthday the 9th 2009. So all the things this enemy does have no meaning to me nor to this world nor his world or unreality.
I’ve stuck him in this body. I did it on purpose. He killed his you know. And now I regret it for he has not left. I did it to “Integrate” the hardest way. It is easier to Integrate others from ‘out there’ and that means ‘not in this body of mine’ that is what ‘out there’ means. It means I kick him out of the physical body and put him out in space. I don’t know if that space is brain or mind or both but it is a place and it can have a reality or not. I put him in here to show this body this brain this mind this thing this him this it this enemy how it hurt this body for 66 years although it has really only been 61. For I am 66 now and so is he even though he and I call him an it. The reason for that is that he has no self, no me, no i, no being, no plans other than to hurt. And this is so stupid and dumb that I tire of being here with it.
That is my dilemma.