Responsibility and you! What’s left of what was Phillip is Cruelty. He is what is making it impossible for me to live here. Just like it was with Michael, then Mike, then The Me. I don’t want to be here with him anymore.
He was responsible for everyone having a bad time or bad day as Michael said. He and his voices which he was supposed to give up one year and 8 months ago and refused. He wants me dead. He’s the one who said he was built to kill. He wasn’t. He said it was me. That is not true. I want this clear.
I have come to the end of my rope. I have been shit on 50 x’s a day for three weeks. It is him that does this. It could be the medicine that I took but I wasn’t having this trouble until the doctor told me that I didn’t look like I’d ever had cancer and that I’d make a good doctor. He’s trying to destroy everything again. He’s the one who threw our home away and left us desolate and homeless without anything but the clothes on our backs. That was after Michael died. It was sometime around April 2013 after the 5th when the next Helper Came – Mike. He hated him. He hates everyone. We all tried to work with him to shut up his voices. He’s the one who invited himself to live and own our homes and our things. I know. I was there. He refuses to accept responsibility for any of his actions or thoughts or past present or future deeds. He won’t stop using his voices and it hurts to hear him all day long in this body and watch him hurt it on purpose because he is irrational and mad. The Me the second helper after Michael died came and he worked with this thing as well. He told us all to stop using our voices in January last year, 2015. This thing then proceeded to never stop using them and now it is so out of control and impossible to deal with that I have decided to leave like everyone else. In this process, I hope he dies. Michael said he couldn’t run a body, he doesn’t have enough parts. He doesn’t. We all agreed. When he drove the me nuts with it the me decided to leave and he did in Late October 2015.
He left the body to me. He had all the memories. Cruelty then decided that he was to take my place. Leaving me no life and nothing. I was given this body to try and get it well. Well, I did for a while. Then he started his filthy shitting me everywhere I went. On the bus. At the bus stop. At the store. At the library. An old trick of his. I am tired of 50 diarrhea attacks on my body and called my nurse and told her about it. She said it took about 72 hours to withdraw from all drugs and then to eat a liquid diet and then start with soft foods. I did. Today is the first day since 3 weeks ago that I haven’t had to go all day long. My asshole is worn out. Tired and painful and hurt.
So am I. I tried to stay to continue my work but it is impossible with him and his tricks and his voices. I can only take him away (with no effort nor cost of energy to this body) for a little while at a time. I can’t block his voices out to the point where they don’t bother me but it isn’t worth it anymore.
I did my job. I got this body well. He left me no life to live always demanding that I train him like The Me did and that left me with nothing. He demanded that I teach him how to run a body. I said I cannot. I don’t have all the memories like Mike and the me. I can’t do that without them. He doesn’t have all the memories. I only have mine. Sometimes I get memories coming to me but they aren’t all of them. Watching certain shows or meeting certain people Michael knew, or reading books like StarTrek have helped bring some of them back. But it is impossible to live with something that thinks he’s a child of two when he came after Michael was 5. He was never a baby never really a little child and as his parents (Michael’s) called him he was a young man by that age. So back where I was in October 2015 after the me left, this thing told me to train him to run this body. Because I said no I can’t, he started in on me worse than ever. He did it to hurt me and this body. That’s all he’s done since he turned traitor. He’s mad he can’t throw things away and can’t break things like glass anymore. I gave up trying to collect clear glass things because that’s what Michael liked the me said. He explained that to us all. So this thing is after destruction and I mean he wants me dead. He wants this body to kill it. And he thinks he’ll live after he does. He’s wrong. He’ll die in it because he can’t run it. He wants to throw away our Section 8 again and our home. Well, it isn’t his section 8, it isn’t his home and I won’t let him have it. So he shits me. Maybe I have stopped it for a while for today it has been better. But I cannot live a life like that.
YESTERDAY, I almost left several times in the morning. I almost got away to death. I want to be dead and done with this life for he makes it impossible to be happy. Just what he did to Michael, Mike and the me, and now us. He needed to shut up his voices to be happy. He would not. He needed and promised to leave with his 13 other fractured pieces of his original self that was a helper turned traitor and hurter and they were just the pieces left of his first fragmentation of his original self. That self fragmented. Those fragments fractured and then re-fractured. Michael said it a bit differently but that is about it. He has no self. No I . No me. So how can I possibly fight this and live.
My therapist changed plans on me. It was all set out by my doctor a PHD who planned it with Sunrise and my previous caseworker and Sunrise. We were to go through The Coping Book and my new therapist discarded that for a new diagnosis. He was wrong and in error. So I could have been well by July as planned by Doctor Morgan and my new therapist threw that away for a new diagnosis and I won’t go into the rest. I called the OMBUDS because he was supposed to be seeing me 5 x’s a week and reading the book with me and doing the work with me and learning about multipersonalities and dissociation. He got the wrong book. My Psychiatric Nurse told him to get the Coping Book. I don’t know why he didn’t. He told me he knew how i could protect myself from this thing and would tell me, he didn’t. He only wants to see me once a week now. Before that it was twice a week. Everything deteriorated because of this. Now I am forced to try to escape Cruelty and his punishments and I am trying to leave. That means I am trying to go away to die. He’ll be left here without the ability to run a body and should die like Michael said. The Me and Everyone else agreed. In December 2015, I tried to get the rest of him to Integrate with him and he with them, he refused. They left. The month before that the other parts of him left. a few stayed during radiation and december and left. They couldn’t stand him or his voices or his demands or horrors. Neither can I. So If I Am Able To Go Today Like I Am Planning, it will be over. I’m not writing this on Facebook because I don’t want Michael’s Mike’s and the me’s friends to know. It hurts them. I don’t want them hurt. So. That’s that folks.