SOMETHING IS HAPPENING INSIDE ME! IT MIGHT BE IN MY BRAIN; IT MIGHT BE IN MY MIND; BUT, WHATEVER IT IS PHILLIP IS NOT ABLE TO MAKE ALL HIS VOICES THAT HAVE BEEN GIVING HIM AND ME TERRIBLE HEADACHES TODAY.
It started after I picked up my check around 3 o’clock.
I hope it is that is what Michael wanted. What he wanted was for his brain to kill the enemy as he called it and he would be the only one here. No one else here but him. He would be whole. It would all be done. He could go on living his life and doing his wonderful things.
I have been cruelly punished and picked ever since I got this body. I’ve written about it to help us all and I am still doing this for us. For some reason to write it out and to be able to see it and come back and read it later has helped us all.
In November 2015, I convinced about half of what was Phillip before he shattered in Holly Village in 2013. He shattered into 14 different pieces and they were all personalities. I told him in October that he should integrate the other 13 parts of him but, he didn’t. I think that is why the first of the two parts left. It was like there were 3 parts of him. Him, the one set of separate pieces say 5 decided to leave so I could finish radiation without so many things to battle. Then in December 2015 the other 8 left. Then it was just he and I and the war escalated into torture and horror beyond your imagination.
I used to be able to get us all to sleep like Michael did. After they all left and I think it was because Phillip didn’t integrate them that they left. This has come to me later. I didn’t really realize it until several months ago. Then Phillip began dying. I tried to convince him to integrate or leave the way everyone including him said to do. He wouldn’t. After this last set of falls, something began to happen to him. I was told he was dying when Michael was around. Not when The Mike that came after Michael died. But after The Mike left on Michael’s birthday in 2014, and The Me That Cared About Himself only came did this dying stuff occur again. I guess that has been happening all along. Phillip overstayed himself. I tried to explain to him why he should leave.
Then I got my new doctor Shawn Morgan who was very experienced in dissociation and knew all about multi-personalities and We both had a Doctor who said we could get well within two months if we did every thing in the Coping book with 5 therapy sessions a week until we were done with it and then it would be over.
The fiasco of Sunrise and the girl who took over us and that she didn’t relate the 2 hours and 45 minutes of talks that Morgan gave her while I listened upset everything. We began having falls and Phillip found a way to be here without me. Something I had never experienced while alone here in this body.
Now, there is more silence and more calm and more peace. I wonder if it is all my talk that Doctor Morgan said for me to do and be. He said I had to be a friend of this body and the other personality and to help him. That helped. We thought that when we couldn’t see Dr. Morgan anymore because of insurance reasons, that Sunrise would help us.
The Messages Never Got Through. I found that out several weeks ago in July when the series of blackouts and falls ended us up in the hospital and doctor’s office several times. It was awful. We had lost our way out of this mess and once again had hope. That was dashed when our new therapist decided that we were schizophrenics instead of multi-personalities. Awful. All Hell Broke Lose and None of us wanted to be here.
Then I wrote my letter to the doctor and things started calming down. Then I didn’t want to be here and things got worse. Now I want to stay to give myself the chance to be the only one here like we all agreed. I guess it is the fact that the letter may have gotten to my doctor today and if not today tomorrow and by Monday he could read it. It was long and specific and addressed all the issues that we have. Even the Ombuds part and getting a new place to do therapy. Phillip wants to leave. I know that. He’s told me so. He’s never done anything about it and I guess that is why parts of him die. Today I told him that another part of him died. He took it well.
So maybe there is hope. Maybe it is because of me and him trying to get to the point where he can or to the point where he is alright with dying. I know it sounds like an awful thing and I think that it isn’t. After all, when you die your being goes back and makes the body whole. It does it with the Mind; it does it with the brain; and, it does it with the body.
So Maybe Today It Will Happen!
I will let you know.