“”SO WHAT AM I TO DO DEAR WORLD, WHAT AM I TO DO?” “By kerasotes””
Hello World, It’s me again and I am having a time of it. My Carbon Monoxide Alarm that they fixed last month is beeping at me every 52 seconds. Why is it that they die whenever it is a weekend and the people that you call say to call someone else? Why when you call that number you have to wait 8 minutes and 50 seconds for them to tell you that you are first in line and then you get thru and they tell you no one is there? Do I have to wait until tomorrow for them to come fix it when last time – it was a weekend – they came right away to fix it. I want to take the dead battery out but outside we all thought it just might make it worse.
As you know I am still bleeding from the ulcers and the rest and just want to go to bed. I am tired and worn out and fighting every day to stay here isn’t worth it any more. It was about being happy and enjoying every minute you could. It has turned about and into fighting just to live. And you fight and you lose and you lose and you fight and you win a little lose a lot and it is boring as hell. I’ve had some wonderful moments and the rest has been the worst imaginable. I get no help from the other and I don’t want to go into that again. But he won’t shut up his voices and stop hurting me with his ‘i don’t love you horror’ and ‘i don’t want to be here’ but he doesn’t leave or do anything about it when it is only a thought away – only a thought away for him to integrate and be well and he won’t do that for me or for him or for us or the ones who have gone away.
So what am I to do, why can’t I just quit. I am hurting so much on the inside fighting the infection and the bleeding ulcers and the pain and the horrible bowel movements and the diarrhea and the stress and never getting 8 hours of sleep nor having a moment of peace.
I wanted him to see what it was like for Michael. What he did to Michael since he wouldn’t stop hurting all of us – so I stopped doing everything else and showed him the horror of it for himself and I am getting no where with this stuff but more punished by his stupidity and hate and harm and horror. I’m tired of it and it is so immature and I don’t know what else to say. I wish he’d just go away. I wish I were dead and gone and he was here living in the body that he’s maimed.
That’s what I wish today. I want to give up and quit. I’ve had it and I keep telling myself ‘I don’t want to be here’ outloud like all the others who had this body and couldn’t stand what he had done to it. He’s done more damage to it since I’ve had it last October a year ago last month. He’s rebroken the feet when and where they have 2 rare arthritic cancers and that pain never goes away. He’s broken my nose 6 times. He’s broken my ribs. He did all that for Michael’s birthday in March this year. After that he started overloading the brain and blacking him and me out and causing too much pain. I’m losing memories and I am old and he’s still pretending to be a 2 year old idiot child that is the most vicious thing this world has ever seen. It’s petty. It’s trite. It’s boring. Not worth writing about and I am too stressed out by it now and I don’t want to be here anymore nor fight to live at all.
So what do I do Dear World, what do I do?