Election Day November 8, 2016 Tuesday Morning
This is going to be one of those important days and I really don’t have anything important to write. It is just the same ole thing with me and the enemy. Fight, fight, fight. Voices, voices, voices. Always the battle over this body and the horror that it causes. I am bleeding so bad again today that it is pathetic. It was shit me for the morning cigarette that I couldn’t even roll it before he came in and forced a bloody bowel movement that lasted 5 or 6 times. It took like a half an hour to finish the process. I am so tired of it. Every morning, the same thing. Every night, the same thing. I tried to get us to sleep last night because I have things I want to do today but he wanted to get me up before it was time and that’s the way it went. I am not winning anymore. I think it is because I am tired of fighting with him over getting this body well and him not wanting it well. The ulcers are so bloody awful now and the pain is so unbearable that I can’t even do the things I want to do anymore without it being a contest to take them away from me.
At this point, I see us dying because of what he’s not doing. He’s not shutting up his voices forever. He’s not trying to leave. He’s just trying to make every moment as miserable as it can be.
So that is where I am. It is an awful miserable rotten place. No hope for the future for waiting for him to die is taking too long. It has been over a year now for me and my body is in worse shape than it was when I started. Radiation went well and I am to have the blood and urine tested today and I have to do the Energy Assistance Program stuff with my payee at noon thirty. It is always typos typos typos. Never do anything right and easy and simple. Always make mistakes so that something inside this body gores is as the Me said. He keeps hurting me and the pain of that is so horrendous that I am about to give up and leave. I keep trying and I think I am almost there. I notice at times it feels like I can go and be no more and that would get me out of here and the pain and the nonsense of a miserable rotten creature that never does want to do anything good or right or fine or enjoyable. Isn’t that the pits, Michael, isn’t it the pits.
Well, yes it is. I am still in my turmoil of I don’t want to give up. I don’t know if I can make it anymore and he – the other – the thing – the enemy doesn’t even care. Baby talk all day long. Repeating and Repeating and Repeating the same damned dumb mistakes he’s been doing for 60 years now. So do you think I can make it through another day God or not? I don’t know.