“”I don’t know what to write so it will be off the top of my head… .” “by kerasotes””

“I don’t know what to write so it will be off the top of my head… .”

I have had one of the hardest, worstest days of my life today and I am bored with each and every day being like this.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  I was supposed to be here alone.  Everyone agreed to it.  I never got my chance like Michael, Mike, The Me and Everyone wanted for me.  I was to try to get this body well, not to fight another alternate personality every day and tell him how wrong it is to be the way he is and what he did wrong every day of his life and why he can’t be here to hurt anymore!

How I got this far is beyond me.  I struggled and doctored and did radiation and fought the pain and the bleeding and was honest with my doctors and all and tried and tried and tried.  I did and I did and I did.  It was to be another life without the burden of evil personalities trying to destroy everything everyone did.  

I got the brunt of the torment and torture and had to live with more pain being inflicted upon me and my body by the only alter not keeping his word and making my life unbearable.  He did this to everyone.  He even did it to him.  I am tired of it.

Today I tried to use my new card the Social Security people gave me to get my retirement money out of the bank.  I spent an awful time of this and got lectured in voices how wrong I was to do the things I needed to get done because I put them off until he couldn’t bleed and shit me today.  I had to go to the library after the bank to print out things for my wall like Michael did of the things I got done.  I got to make him and his name and the things he did immortal and eternal like he never dreamed of doing.  

I wrote to YouTube to explain that I couldn’t correct the things on my smartphone because it wouldn’t let me.  I tried a public computer and couldn’t really get anywhere with it.  It is because everything is linked to accounts on my phone and I couldn’t figure out how to undo them.  I tried to explain to them why I made the movie and how I’d gotten permission to make the films they are disputing and didn’t know why it was not allowed to make a film about something more than once.  I don’t understand that.  I told them that I have cancer and don’t have or know how much longer I have to live.  I will mail it to them on Monday because I don’t trust the mail slots here at my building because things I mailed from here never got to places I sent them.  Things I was told were being mailed to me never got here either.  One of our mailmen, I won’t name him, has his moods and throws boxes and wipes them on his ass in a disgusting manner because he doesn’t like the people he is delivering them to.  He purposely breaks things in the boxes by throwing them on the floor and banging them around.  I have seen this.  But if you report it, you have to know the time of day for we have cameras here that record everything in our lobbies – we have two of them.  I don’t really want to do this but, it may be necessary.  I would also have to call the police and go to the post office and file a complaint and maybe go to court and do the same.  I don’t know.  

don’t know if you know the pain of radiation and the things it does to your body that they really don’t explain before you have it and during your time in it and even afterwards they don’t really know or tell you.  I have found out the hard way what it does.  I don’t recommend it to anyone.  It may have been better to die without it and not suffer the pain of the ordeal afterwards.  I used to have a will to live but it is dying and so am I, I am afraid.  Isn’t that awful.  I just don’t want to live anymore.  I am tired of going to doctors to see if they can’t fix this and medicate that and stop the pain only to be told by my family doctor that he doesn’t believe in pain medicine or anything for the depression and anxiety of the mess of having contracted listeria and cancers from eating bad ice creams in 2014.  

Well, after my shopping and librarying and all the other things I needed and didn’t want to do today that my social security check was in my mailbox.  Now I have to wait till Monday to cash it.  I was told it was to come on my debit card they sent me and have to call them Monday and ask what to do about that and this and then either decide to open a bank account that if free of charges on keeping an account with them.  It is a lot of extra paperwork to have one.  Even Social Security said so.  Even the banks said so.  You get a check from the bank and the place where you live won’t take it.  They want money orders.  Well you have to go to a place and buy them.  At the bank it is five ($5) dollars.  At 711 it isn’t 50 cents like they said but two dollars and fifty cents.  At the post office it is the cheapest.  So I will have to go there and get two money orders on Monday after the banking and calling and trying to cash my check from the government.  

Gads in this day of everything costing more than an arm and a leg you have to use your retirement money and get charged for doing it because it would be more convenient for the places you live in and bills you need to pay want to have it the hardest most expensive way that exists to make them happy.  They don’t want bounced checks or payments refused by credit or debit cards.  How horrid is that?  Well I think that is the worst.  

Then I have the diseases to fight.  

Then I have the doctors and tests to ordeal and battle through.

Then I have an old personality with no personality who isn’t all there anymore for reasons I have already explained.  It just gets more grueling and what is the point of that.  It with him is always for the me in the body to commit suicide and leave him here to do what he wants which is simply nothing but hurt this body and the things that it lives in and the people it knows and the things that it needs.  

What kind of life is that?  A worthless life is what that is.  You plead; you present your case as 56 other people have done plus the original.  You argue; you beg; you try and be nice and explain and he hurts you for it.  What is the point of going on?  What is the point of that?  

So then you tell yourself that it was agreed upon by everyone that this is the way it was supposed to be and that he should leave like he said and was supposed to do long ago and you get slammed mentally, physically, emotionally, psychically and the other psychotic ways that he is an expert in doing.  He has no plans for a life after being here for 60 years.  He has no goals.  He has no likes.  He has not wants.  His need is just to hurt and that hurt is to hurt anything and everything that wants anything or needs anything at all, even a good night’s sleep.  

So you tell me what to do.  What is it that I should do?  Should I give up?  Should I quit?  Should I battle some more and argue with a thing that it is pointless to argue with just so I can say that I tried?  

I don’t think so. 

So at this point, I shall stop.  I have planned a nice dinner out with the money I saved and a book to take with me to read if I can.  I have had to give up everything else:  TV  Movies Music and Fun and Friends and Life just to be at this point.  This is the point where Michael gave up and then The Mike and then The Me and then Everyone Else and not him.  He won’t give up and leave.  It is hard eliminating him only to be tortured and tormented for trying to be free and do what Michael wanted and couldn’t do because of things like him.  Then everyone else tried to do it and gave up and left.  I can’t leave.  So this is the end.  I will stop now.  Just Stop!  THE END.    

December 3, 2016, Saturday Afternoon about 4:30 p.m. p.s.t my time here in Everett, Washington USA this was posted and written by me.


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